If Only
by Yuko6754
Summary: In Katan's final seconds, he thinks of Lord Rosiel. Rosiel/Katan if you squint. Small spoilers for volume 20.


_**Scooter: I don't like this. At all. This is like last **_**summer's_ writing so you know it's not as good as my recent works. ((sighs)) Anyway, this is centered completely around Katan and his final seconds before his death. So, obviously . . . um . . . spoilers for volume 20? ((sweatdrops)) So yeah, I'm almost completely sure this is OOC, but tell me what you think anyway! Enjoy!_**

**_If Only  
_**

You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die? Katan did not see that. What he saw were emotions and thoughts. Not his life. He had evaluated his life time and time again and found himself sick of it. He knew he would die today. He had hoped it wasn't true, hoped that lord Rosiel would come back to him and they could go back to how they once were.

He knew the chances were slim. The blow began to fall towards him, and time seemed to stop. He could hear the Savior - wait, he had a name. What was it? Setsuna? - cry out. The little Demon cried out as well, her shrill voice overriding Setsuna's. The emotions, they surged through him within the span of seconds, though it felt like hours.

Pain.

The blasts lord Rosiel had sent at him hurt. The bandages wrapped around his head were already becoming saturated with blood, along with his clothing. But it wasn't that pain - that physical burn that made him even weaker - that hurt so much. The pain he felt was through his heart. Compared to that emotional torment, his head wound and the blast wounds barely stung. . . .

Sorrow.

The pain was washed into a dull roar as an overwhelming sadness penetrated his weary body. The feeling was so strong, he really thought that he would die before the final blow fell. It felt like he was drowning in tears even though he wasn't crying. His body felt heavy and stabs of pain shot through him, originating from the wound on his head, and the wounds at his shoulder and torso. Lord Rosiel's tormented face was mere inches from his own, and his eyes held no recognition. . . .

Anger.

How could lord Rosiel not recognize him after everything that had happened? After all he had sacrificed . . . just to make lord Rosiel happy! Sorrow was chased violently away, and the need to cry in sadness faded. It was replaced by the need to cry in anger and frustration. When lord Rosiel asked him if he was beautiful, the answer was always, honestly, yes. Rosiel _was_ beautiful, he had to know that was true! yet lord Rosiel thought he was lying! Lord Rosiel was listening to _God's_ word over his loyal servants'! Why? Why. . . .

Hate.

No. Lord Rosiel wasn't to blame. . . . God was! He had convinced Rosiel that he wasn't loved by anyone. . . . Not even his most loyal and devoted servant could break through! Lord Rosiel had been practically groveling at God's feet! He was angry that lord Rosiel had been hoodwinked so badly! If only. . . .

Regret.

If only he had gotten to lord Rosiel in time. If only he hadn't left when lord Rosiel told him to leave. If he had only been able to be what Lord Rosiel needed. If he had been good enough, then this might not have happened. If he had told Lord Rosiel how he felt, then. . . .

He could do nothing about those 'ifs' now. His life was over, and he finally realized just how cruel hindsight really was. He honestly didn't know if his death would come from blood loss or if Lord Rosiel would just stop his heart, but to be honest, he did not really care at this point. Slowly, slowly . . . he could not feel Lord Rosiel's skin underneath his palm, but he could at least touch his face, look into his eyes for a split second before arms were thrown up in front of him, and then-

Nothing.

* * *

_**Scooter: I really . . . could not figure out how to end this goddamned thing! I had all but the last two paragraphs written. I just did those about fifteen minutes ago and I know I had had an ending planned but couldn't get to it. Anyway, please let me know whatever you thought of this. Loved it, hated it, in between, just give a yell! XP And don't forget to vote in the poll for Thank You! Seeya next update!**_

_**~~Scooter~~  
**_


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